December 9th- 23rd: One of the toughest times of our lives

After the ultrasound on Thursday December 8th we went out to celebrate that we finally knew what we were having and talked over dinner about what life would be like with little Judah.  Gabe talked about the camping trips and teaching him to play soccer... I talked about the cute baby boy clothes and just couldn't wait to hold him.

The next day, I had started having some cause for concern (to avoid being too graphic on this blog) but was relieved when it went away by the afternoon.  The same thing happened that Saturday.  I was a little more concerned and by Sunday, I was experiencing some issues and started having consistent cramps Sunday evening.  By Monday morning we were really concerned and when we called the emergency hotline, we were told to go to the Labor and Delivery unit of our hospital. 

At the hospital they did some tests with my blood and even did a cervical exam, in which everything seemed fine.  They gave me Motrin to stop the cramping, which worked and I was relieved to have the intense pain stopped. There was the thought maybe it was just a urinary tract infection and that antibiotics should take care of it.  The doctors decided to do an ultrasound just to check everything, and Judah looked super healthy! Which was great news.  They then did an ultrasound of my cervix and found that my cervix was opening and I was 2 cm dilated.  I was checked into the hospital and the neonatal specialists who were looking at the ultrasound said they would be up to talk with us once they had discussed the options.

At this point Gabe and I were pretty worried about what was going on since basically I had started to go into labor.  We waited for what seemed like forever for the doctors to come talk to us.  They finally came in and told us we had 3 options.  They could either: 1) Stop giving me anything to stop the cramping and let nature takes its course... which meant going into labor and delivering Judah, which he wouldn't survive since I was 19 weeks.  2) Induce labor, in which we would lose Judah.  3) Attempt to do a cervical cerclage which is a surgery where they go in and tie up my cervix to keep the baby inside.  They could do the surgery only if I didn't have an infection and even then, there was only a 50/50 chance of it working.

We were shocked.  Basically it seemed that there was just a fragment of hope that Judah would survive and, after the doctors left, we fell apart.  We knew that we wanted to fight for Judah and so in our mind, the only option was to do the surgery.  They decided to monitor me overnight to make sure I didn't have any infections that showed up, because if I did, they wouldn't be able to do the surgery as it would put both my life and Judah's life in danger.  

It was a really hard night as we wondered if the surgery was even a possibility.  In the morning they ran tests, but there were unconclusive results as to if there was an infection.  We held our breath as we waited for over an hour to hear what the final results were.  If I had an infection, we would have to induce labor and would lose Judah. We knew God could work in this situation and allow us the opportunity to at least try the surgery.  Finally, the doctors came in and said the surgery was on!  We were so excited to know there was at least had a chance to save Judah's life!

I was awake during the surgery since they just numbed the lower half of my body. The entire time I was praying that God would keep me as calm as possible.  The song that came to my mind was one by Ginny Owens called If You Want Me To.  Here are the words that kept going around in my mind:

The pathway is broken
The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to 

I was comforted knowing that God was allowing all of this to happen for a reason and if that's what He was bringing into our lives... all we could do would be to submit to His plan knowing He is so loving and good. The surgery went amazingly well as they were able to sew things up and create a strong stitch to hold Judah.  We were so excited to hear the news!

Over the next week of being in the hospital, we were so encouraged by all of the messages, texts, phone calls and visits.  It was also great to have my parents come in for a few days!  There's nothing like having family around during times like this.  We knew that so many people were in prayer for Judah and we knew that God could do far more than we could ever ask or even imagine (Ephesians 3:20)!  The nurses and doctors were amazing during our stay and, with St. Luke's on the plaza being one of the best high risk pregnancy hospitals in the area, we knew we were in the best hands. 

I was told that once home, I would be on 5 months of bedrest, which seemed like a small price to pay in order to have our baby arrive safe and sound.  I was sent home Monday, December 19th and felt great.. until the middle of the night.  I began cramping again and so Gabe and I rushed back to the hospital at about 4 in the morning.  They again gave me the Motrin which stopped the cramping and said that everything with the cerclage still looked good.  They gave me even stricter guidelines for my bedrest which meant laying flat on either side and I could only get up to go to the bathroom.  They also gave me the high dosage of Motrin to take at home.  The only problem with that was that the Motrin has a side effect of decreasing the amniotic fluid, so it couldn't be used long term or it would greatly affect the baby.

So, I was home for a few days on bedrest and only taking the Motrin when it was absolutely necessary.  It seemed that the cramping was minor and I even had an entire day without any issues.  We were just preparing ourselves for a long journey of Gabe pretty much taking care of everything around the house and me.  It was going to be a long road, but we just wanted to keep Judah in the womb as long as possible!  

And I have to stop here and brag on my husband.  Gabe was incredible throughout this entire process.  He was constantly by my side in the hospital making sure I was comfortable and had everything I needed.  He slept on a recliner that whole week in the hospital and when we went home, he continued to amaze me with his servant's heart.  Each morning, he would make me breakfast and would pack a lunch that I could keep in a cooler beside the bed so I wouldn't have to get up to get it while he was gone at work. He did dishes, laundry, grocery shopping and never complained.  (Our church family was great as well as they showed tangibly how much they cared by providing meals so Gabe wouldn't have to cook.)  It was hard for me to feel so completely helpless, but I was so thankful for the love and care I felt.

In the middle of the night, on Friday the 23rd, I started cramping again consistently and after taking the Motrin and giving it some time to start kick in, I realized it wasn't working.  We went to the hospital again around 2am and after the medicine they gave me finally started working, the cramps were gone.  We waited until the doctor got in that morning and then did an ultrasound to see what was going on.  We saw that Judah was doing great.. he had a great heartbeat and was moving around.  The only problem is that there was hardly any amniotic fluid and we knew that wasn't good.  The nurse said she was going to talk to the doctor who would be in to discuss the ultrasound.  Here's the picture from that ultrasound.

While we waited we found out that the rest of my time on bedrest would have to be in the hospital so they could keep a close eye on me and Judah.  I felt good knowing that we wouldn't have to keep running back and forth to the hospital every time something happened, but I also knew it meant I was even more high risk than I thought.

Around 3pm I started having cramping again and by 3:15, I was in labor.  It was the hardest thing hearing the nurse say I was in labor and she was going to call the doctor in.  I knew that there was nothing we could do to stop Judah from coming and my only prayer is that there would be a miracle once he was delivered. It was a physically and emotionally painful delivery knowing that it was too early and that, what should be a happy time of getting to meet your baby, could result in such a great loss.

Judah was born around 3:45 and when I saw the back of his head I asked the doctor if they could save him.  They said they were sorry and that he was already gone.  That was the most devastating moment Gabe and I had been through.  We just wept with each other and couldn't believe our precious baby was gone. 

The nurse wrapped up Judah in a blanket and gave him to us to hold.  It was so amazing to see how perfectly made he was even at 20 weeks!  We noticed that he had Gabe's chin and my nose!  We just couldn't stop crying over him and saying how precious he was... our emotions were all over the place from complete awe of this creation to grieving over his death.  We were told that Judah could stay with us as long as we wanted and, although I would be physically okay to leave the hospital the next day, we could stay an additional day if we needed that time with Judah.

We just held him and grieved all Friday evening and he was with us in the room all friday night.  Their grief specialist came in and took pictures of him and did his handprints and footprints.  We have a box that they gave us that we could put everything in to remember him by.  It's so special to have those things to hold onto!  Judah was 11 1/4 inches long and 12 ounces.  

We hadn't even thought through what was next, but we had to decide on what to do with his body.  We called a funeral home that the pastor of Family Care from our church recommended and decided they would pick Judah up the next day at the hospital.  Although I didn't like the thought at first, we decided to cremate him so we could always have him with us and just keep the ashes in our keepsake box.

That Saturday morning, Christmas Eve, was so hard.  It was one of the most difficult things to say our final goodbyes and to leave him in the hospital room wrapped up in his blanket.  Gabe and I spent Christmas eve and Christmas day together just taking time on our own to grieve this incredible loss of our first baby.

It's been difficult the past few weeks, but God has given us great peace throughout the entire process. We are continuing to heal and can't say thank you enough to those who've been praying for us.  It's been amazing to see the body of Christ at work where friends and family, and even people we don't know from all over the country, have come around us to support us during this time.  

We love you all and, in our grief, are hopeful to see what God has in store for the future....

Love, 

The Coyles