December 23rd- It's Been One Year....

It's hard to believe it's been a whole year since we lost Judah.  December 23rd will always be engraved on our hearts and minds as a really difficult day.

It seems like only a few months ago that we were in the hospital and praying for a miracle for Judah to go full term and arrive as a healthy baby boy, but it's been an entire year.  As we got closer to this date, it's something I really couldn't wrap my mind around.  But here we are, one year later and still finding it a very sad and painful memory.

I didn't even know if I was going to write today because I feel as though there's nothing more to add to what I've already written.  The post on Judah's due date, May 6, still pretty much sums up where we are.  Still wondering why, but still resting that only God knows and God works things out for our good and His glory.

Judah would've been almost 8 months old by now and sometimes I think through things we would be doing together now as a family, his personality and what he would've looked like...

And I'm reminded again that life usually won't go the way we imagine and there are so many things that are out of our control.  But this is where faith steps in... trusting in a God who loves us unconditionally and knows our grief.  "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." (Hebrews 6:19)

As we are just a few days away from Christmas, I can't help but think about the reason for our hope and faith.  God sent his only Son Jesus to be born into the world, to live a perfect life and to die a painful death by taking all of our wrongs, guilt and shame on himself so that we can be free and live in hope.  We accept this way of redemption by faith alone.  We trust God's ultimate plan of salvation knowing that He loves us and wants the best for us.

It takes faith, and it starts with us accepting that Christmas is about God's gift of hope and a peace-filled life that he offers to us through Jesus.  It won't necessarily be an easy life, as we've personally experienced with losing Judah, but it will be the most fulfilling life trusting in God's goodness, love and the hope he gives.

It's really amazing how quickly a year can go by... and before we know it, our lives will be passing just as quickly.  And even though I wasn't sure what to write today, I guess I would wrap it up by saying this:

Life is precious, life is short.  Don't waste time by living life in fear, trapped in never ending battles and without hope.  This Christmas, think about God's gift of love: Jesus.

Thank you all for your continued support.  We hope you all have a Merry Christmas.

Love,
The Coyles

2 Years Ago Today...

Two years ago today we said "I Do" and we are more in love now that on that memorable day.  It has been a huge blessing to be married to each other as best friends...  After five years of dating on and off, through figuring ourselves and each other out, we've grown together and have leaned on each other for the past two years of marriage through our ups and downs.

In honor of our anniversary, here are some pictures from our wedding day... the day we began the rest of our lives together!

It's fun to look back and remember, but we're also looking forward to what this next year holds for us and to grow more in love!  Thanks to all of you who've been an encouragement and support for our marriage these past two years!

Love,

The Coyles

Movin on Up...

... up north, that is!  Yes, we're moving again.  At least this move is just a five minute drive from where we are now.  I'm hoping that this moving once a year thing won't become a trend, and in light of where we're moving and why; I think we'll be able to settle in for a little while.

When we moved to Kansas City a year ago, we thought we'd just be here two years and chose a place in Midtown/Old Hyde Park so that we were close to the heart of downtown while still not paying a ton in rent and could be close enough to the highway so Gabe could drive out to Leawood everyday.  Now that Gabe is the campus pastor for our downtown campus at Christ Community, we've felt the need to move in to the heart of downtown closer to where the church campus would be.

We started looking in the Crossroads District of KC, which is where we're looking at permanent locations for the campus, but quickly realized this meant our rent would double.  We began to pray about our options...  A few weeks later, a couple from Christ Community approached us about an opportunity.  They had been wanting to buy a condo in the Crossroads for some time as a place to move after retirement.  Since the market has been so great for buyers, they knew that buying now would be a smart decision.  They asked us if we would want to rent from them if they bought a condo in the Crossroads, and this gracious couple offered it at about what we're paying now!

We were beyond excited!  This was such a huge answer to prayer and gave us the opportunity to live in this community where we could get to know neighbors, local business owners... and give them the option of having a church right in their community!

Since before we got married, almost 2 years ago, this has been a passion in both of our hearts.  We saw ourselves in an urban environment, serving at a church, and getting involved in the community through relationships, volunteering and offering a place for people to interact with the gospel.  We feel so content that we're right where we should be!

I was thinking the other day about the journey God has brought us on this past year... it's been a non stop roller coaster.  Here's a quick overview:

- Gabe graduated from seminary
- We moved from Chicago to Kansas City
- We dropped off our stuff and flew to Italy for a once in a lifetime trip with Gabe's parents
- Gabe started the Fellowship program at Christ Community
- I started working from home as a freelance writer and pursuing my photography
- We got pregnant
- We had endless events and dinners throughout the summer and fall as part of the fellowship program
- We traveled home for Thanksgiving
- Found out we were having a boy
- Were in and out of the hospital for two weeks
- Lost our precious Judah on December 23
- Grieved through Christmas and New Years
- Had a Memorial for Judah
- Gabe accepted the position as downtown campus pastor
- We attended two training retreats for church planters
- Began focusing on serving full time at the downtown campus
- Gabe took over heading up the search for our campus space
- We found out we would be moving to the Crossroads
- We had our first Sunday at the Screenland Theaters in the Crossroads for the summer
- Gabe is continuing to work with the building team to secure a permanent location in the Crossroads
- We are starting to pack up
- Gabe is performing his first wedding this weekend
- I'll be shooting a different wedding the same day
- We'll have our 2 year anniversary on June 4
- We'll move into the Crossroads!

Whew!  It's been a full year!  All that to say, looking back it's been so neat to see how God has been orchestrating our lives.  We wouldn't have chosen some of the things we went through this past year, but we continually trust in God's ultimate plan.

The next month is going to be busy, but we're keeping the finish line of being settled in our new home at the forefront of our mind.  We are so excited for this next step in our lives... not so excited about packing.  :)

Thanks, as always, for your prayers and support in our lives!  We know that without our friends and family we never would've gotten through this past year!

Love,
The Coyles

May 6- Remembering Judah

I knew this would be a hard day... in fact, I'm not even sure what to write.  Today was Judah's due date, a day that we would've been looking forward to for a long time.

It's hard to think that we could've been holding our precious new baby today... in awe of this new life and the idea of beginning our family.  It could've been such a joy filled day with friends and family celebrating with us.  Instead it just feels so empty.

It's been a journey the last five months, filled with ups and downs.  I felt such closure after the memorial for Judah in January and, with Gabe's new role in the church, life got busy and it helped to keep moving.  But this last month especially has seemed to bring about a whole new wave of sadness knowing that we would've been nearing the finish line and anxiously anticipating the arrival of our baby boy.

I can only describe it as a quiet storm.  Every time we see a new baby, a little boy, soon to be moms... it's a constant reminder of our loss.  But I can't break down every time I'm reminded, and I can't go on talking about it because I have healed... mostly.  The dark clouds can quickly move in and a torrential downpour can be on me in an instant, but as quickly as it comes on, it passes.  Yet it still leaves a watermark and the loss seems fresh all over again.

I still question Why.  It still hurts.  And I know I may never get answers in this lifetime... which has really stretched my faith.  I can totally understand why people that go through hard times have a hard time trusting that God is in control... if you love me, then why...?   It's unsettling to not have an answer.  At times I've felt bitter, angry, resentful and hurt.  People have said that Jesus is holding Judah and watching over him.  And in my humanness I want to cry out that I want to hold Judah, I want to watch over him!  I want to watch as he grows and laugh with him... he's my son!

So this is faith.  This is what it means to fully trust in an all-knowing, loving God.  Even when it hurts... even when I don't have an answer.  Even when life just sucks.  This is faith.

It seems fitting that as I write it's storming outside.  It's dark and the rain just keeps pouring down.  Is God still God in this storm?  Does God still love me more than anything?  Does God understand the loss of a Son?  Yes.


At those times when I question God, question my faith... those are the times I am reminded that the only One who can heal, the only One who can bring me hope and the only One who loves me unconditionally is a loving God.  I've been so encouraged my this song...

(you'll have to skip ahead to 3:38 since she talks in the beginning... )




I continue to look to God, not for answers, but for strength.  I pray that bitterness and resentment would stay at bay.  I know it'd be so easy to go there and stay there... but I don't want to live like that and I know God has given us a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

He never promised life would be easy or free from pain, but He does promise to be with us and give us the strength to get through.  So, I rest in God's promise.

Today we're going out to get a nice box for Judah's ashes.  It will be hard, but will be good to spend that time together remembering the moments we did have with Judah in the womb and holding him in the hospital.  And, while it will continue to rain today, we know the rain won't last forever.

We love you Judah!

Love,

Mom and Dad

Exciting Changes

Well, it's been a while since we've posted simply because the last few months have been extremely busy.  There have been some exciting changes that have made our schedule a little more hectic in January and February, but we are so thrilled to see where God is leading us.

As many of you know, Gabe graduated from seminary at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School and was accepted into the Fellowship program at Christ Community Church.  This two year program is an intensive mentorship, hands-on ministry opportunity (much like a doctor's residency) that allows you to determine where you see yourself in full time ministry while gaining practical wisdom and guidance from seasoned pastors.  Christ Community consisted of three campuses: Leawood, Olathe and Downtown.

We moved to Kansas City last May and knew we wanted to help out at the downtown campus, since urban ministry is where we saw ourselves long term.  We knew that by being a part of that community, we'd get a good idea of what urban ministry was like, as well as seeing the ins and outs of starting a new campus.  We even moved to the outskirts of downtown, even though the main campus, where Gabe would spend most of his time, was about a half hour away from our apartment.  We both love the city, and we really fell in love with Kansas City almost immediately.

Since May, we enjoyed getting to know people at Christ Community and began feeling that it was our church home.  We also loved experiencing downtown KC and found it's really a very vibrant city!  Knowing that our time would be up in two years was something we knew would be hard since we felt that everything about being here just clicked.

As you know, the Christmas season was heartbreaking for us with losing Judah, but we felt our family, friends, church family and neighbors come around us in such an amazing way.  We had a memorial for Judah at the beginning of January, which Christ Community beautifully coordinated for us, and it was a great way to bring a sense of closure to everything that happened.  We still are saddened when we think of Judah, and there are days we truly miss him, but God has given us such tremendous peace and hope.

In the middle of January, Gabe came home and told me that Bill, the downtown campus pastor, felt God moving him to be a part of the newest church campus of Christ Community which is located in an area called Brookside.  I was excited for Bill and Rachel in this new opportunity for them, but asked Gabe what would happen with the downtown campus.  He then told me that he had been offered the position of the downtown campus pastor, and I broke into tears.  We were both so excited because we loved being a part of the downtown campus for the past eight months and knew that, ultimately, we felt God calling us to be a part of urban ministry; this seemed to be a perfect fit!

We prayed about this decision over the weekend to be sure we weren't going off our emotions, and that we also had time to think through all that being a part of a church plant entailed.  We knew it would be a lot of work, but we also saw how God had worked in our hearts and mapped our steps to be a part of the downtown campus long before we knew what would happen.

As we started realizing what this meant, we were thrilled to know that we wouldn't be moving after two years and will be in Kansas City indefinitely... as long as God has us here!  It meant we could continue to build relationships with everyone at the downtown campus and really focus in on that community... which we love.  It also meant I wouldn't have to change doctors, which was a huge relief since these doctors know us and my situation, and the hospital specializes in high risk pregnancies.  We continue to see the amazing ways God has planned out even the smallest details in this change in our lives, and we feel so humbled at His love and how He wants to use us here.

In February, we attended a church planting pastors retreat and also a church planters assessment weekend.  These were great tools in helping us understand more about church planting and getting to know our strengths and areas of growth.  We know we have a lot to learn, but we are excited to see what God has in store for the downtown campus!

Currently, we're in search for a building for the campus since we've been meeting in an apartment building community room.  There are some really awesome options available in downtown's Crossroads District, which is also considered the art district.  We're excited to see how God works in the space's location and how we can have a positive impact in that community.

Well, this is a long post but we just wanted to let you know what's been going on and about Gabe's new position as downtown campus pastor.  We'd love your continued prayers for our future and ask that you join us in praying for the downtown campus, a space where we can meet, and for downtown KC.

The verse that keeps coming to mind is Psalm 126:3 "The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy!"

Love,
The Coyles

A Lesson in Responding to Comforters while Journeying through Grief

I (Gabe) think I’m still amazed at how our friends and family surrounded us with words of encouragement and tangible actions of compassion throughout this whole grieving process. As I think of Christ’s call to his disciples to “weep with those who weep,” there have been many who have entered into our brokenness with us. “Thank you” seems like a shallow phrase to describe the genuine gratitude that we have towards our loved ones as you sought to be agents of God’s comfort.

There was one thing that surprised me about my role within the grieving process though, which led to a lesson I’m learning about following Christ in the midst of grief. Those who are grieving have a unique stewardship of gracious response toward those who long to bring comfort. That may sound strange…it even hits me after typing it as being almost ungrateful for the compassion of others – which is far from my intention, but when emotions are rolling in the freshness of pain, we need to remember that we are called to respond with grace to all who reach out in imperfect compassion.

I recall taking classes on counseling in Seminary on how to enter into the pain of others with genuine compassion, empathic presence and timely scriptures of hope, but I never really thought of the unique stewardship the griever has towards those who comfort him/her. This griever/comforter relationship must be understood as dynamic rather than one-way; we can’t expect everyone to be an “expert” comforter.

At moments of intense grief, there are times silence and solitude are what your soul longs for, and you just want to be left alone. Whereas at other times you long to feel the embrace of community. There are times a word of remembrance concerning God’s goodness speaks words of life to your soul, whereas at other times it just comes across as preachy. There are times when you need to hear that God has a plan of deliverance for his broken creation, but other times all you want to hear are the words “I love you and I don’t understand the pain you’re going through.” There are times when others share their similar stories, and it comforts your heart. Whereas other times you just want people to notice the uniqueness of your story, and in our selfishness don’t want to talk about others’ experiences.

The difficult thing – in the midst of grief – is not to expect those who long to comfort us to be omniscient…to be God – as though they could know the exact thing we long to hear in that moment. Brokenness is often accompanied with its crew of emotional chaos, confusion, and mystery, and we can’t expect others’ words of comfort to always line up with our sentiments at that moment.

This is where the stewardship of gracious response really resonates. As we seek to follow Christ in the midst of grief, we pray for the Holy Spirit to empower us to see the heart of those who long to comfort us, although – in our sinful brokenness as imperfect grievers – we perceive it as shallow, cheap, or cliché. We allow Christ to be the mediator by which all words of comfort pass through. We see, hear, and accept imperfect compassion through the perfect shed blood of Jesus. 

I love what C.S. Lewis says as the closing words of his book The Problem of Pain, “Pain provides an opportunity for heroism; the opportunity is seized with surprising frequency.” There have been many who follow Christ that have exuded this stouthearted grace while grieving, and to them I watch in awe. For those of us who continue to experience loss, wade in brokenness and have seasons of chaos, may we follow Christ in how we respond in grace toward those who seek to imperfectly comfort us, showing the world how to grieve as gospel-shaped people.

Baby Judah

We got pictures in the mail the other day that the grief specialist took at the hospital of Judah, which I was looking forward to seeing, but at the same time, it was hard to look through them.  The waves of grief washed over us again, and some of the pictures were just really hard to look at.

At the same time it was amazing to be reminded again of how perfectly formed he was.  His little toes and toenails, his fingers, his little shoulders and even his eyebrows that were beginning to grow in... at 21 weeks, he was perfect!  Of course the pictures don't really capture him like I remember, but those memories of how it felt to hold him, touch his fingers, hold his little hand and the feeling of kissing his forehead will be forever imprinted in my mind.

Judah was 12 ounces and 11 1/4 inches long, so I think he would've been tall!  As I've mentioned before, we saw that he had Gabe's chin and face shape and my nose.... he would've been just as handsome as his daddy.  The tears flow even now just knowing we'll never get to see what he would've looked like as he was growing up...

It's good to have these pictures though and just the hope of seeing him in heaven someday.

They gave Judah a few little things to hold in the pictures, which I could've done without, but I think they were trying to help us make a connection with those items they put in his box that we brought home... it's amazing to see his little hands and fingers though!

 We love his little feet!

It is hard to see him like this, but I can't help but think his little face and arms are so adorable...

Again, another prop they gave him... the bear was so small, which just shows how tiny Judah was!

 We love our little Judah!

Love,

The Coyles

Good Grief

No one wants to go through grief.  It's painful.  It's draining.  It comes unexpectedly, and it can linger longer than you want it to.

Yet, going through the grieving process is good.  It's healing.  It's comforting.  It's expected, and can allow you to move past the deepest hurt even though the memories never fade.

Over the past three weeks since we lost Judah, we've felt the depths of pain and sadness as well as the greatest comfort and hope.  At times I thought I should break down, I've been strong and it has surprised me to almost feel emotionless...  But there have been times where the smallest thought can produce the most tears, and the hurt is fresh all over again.

And I've come to realize that grief can't be controlled.  There are those times when you just can't cry anymore and emotionally you're exhausted with being sad.  For me, being around people has allowed for that welcome break.  Even when people have expressed sympathy with tears in their eyes, I find that those are the times I feel strong.  I so appreciate their words of comfort, yet those aren't the times I grieve.

The hardest time for me is when I'm alone or at night when trying to fall asleep... I begin to process through everything that happened and I grieve over our loss.  The other night, I began thinking of how I was looking forward to taking Judah for walks this summer.  I had visions of walking down to Westport, which is a cute area of town with shops and restaurants about a 15 minute walk from our apartment, and spending time hanging out with him.  Of course I began weeping, not only over the loss of Judah, but the loss of those future plans with him.

You can't throw a blanket of grief over a situation.  As a friend recently said, you have to grieve through every small aspect...  As those memories, hopes or thoughts come, it's important to take each one and allow yourself to work through it.

While we don't like to go through life's tragedies, it's so important to allow ourselves to grieve.  I love the example Jesus set of grieving in John 11.  One of his best friends, Lazarus, dies and we see how Jesus responds in John 11:35....  Jesus wept.

For those of us who know the rest of that story, we know that Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead!  An incredible story of Jesus' power, yet we wonder why Jesus wept if He knew He was going to do this great miracle.  And I think it is because Jesus wanted to set an example for grief.  We need to morn loss.  It's part of the healing process.

We've been greatly encouraged by 1 Thessalonians 4 where it explains that "we don't grieve like those who have no hope."  We know that because we have accepted God's free gift of salvation, we are going to heaven when we die and we'll be able to see Judah again!

Because our ultimate hope is in heaven, we can have hope here on earth.

We grieve the loss of Judah.  It's really hard at times and honestly, sometimes life is just hellish.  But we are comforted knowing that God is with us in our weakness and grief.  He's been there... He's felt great loss and has gone through the grieving process.

We can't always avoid heartache in this life, but we can rest in our hope for the future, trust in a loving God who comforts us and allow ourselves to experience the good of grieving.

Thanks to all of you who've grieved with us and who continue to pray for the healing of our hearts.

Love,
The Coyles

December 9th- 23rd: One of the toughest times of our lives

After the ultrasound on Thursday December 8th we went out to celebrate that we finally knew what we were having and talked over dinner about what life would be like with little Judah.  Gabe talked about the camping trips and teaching him to play soccer... I talked about the cute baby boy clothes and just couldn't wait to hold him.

The next day, I had started having some cause for concern (to avoid being too graphic on this blog) but was relieved when it went away by the afternoon.  The same thing happened that Saturday.  I was a little more concerned and by Sunday, I was experiencing some issues and started having consistent cramps Sunday evening.  By Monday morning we were really concerned and when we called the emergency hotline, we were told to go to the Labor and Delivery unit of our hospital. 

At the hospital they did some tests with my blood and even did a cervical exam, in which everything seemed fine.  They gave me Motrin to stop the cramping, which worked and I was relieved to have the intense pain stopped. There was the thought maybe it was just a urinary tract infection and that antibiotics should take care of it.  The doctors decided to do an ultrasound just to check everything, and Judah looked super healthy! Which was great news.  They then did an ultrasound of my cervix and found that my cervix was opening and I was 2 cm dilated.  I was checked into the hospital and the neonatal specialists who were looking at the ultrasound said they would be up to talk with us once they had discussed the options.

At this point Gabe and I were pretty worried about what was going on since basically I had started to go into labor.  We waited for what seemed like forever for the doctors to come talk to us.  They finally came in and told us we had 3 options.  They could either: 1) Stop giving me anything to stop the cramping and let nature takes its course... which meant going into labor and delivering Judah, which he wouldn't survive since I was 19 weeks.  2) Induce labor, in which we would lose Judah.  3) Attempt to do a cervical cerclage which is a surgery where they go in and tie up my cervix to keep the baby inside.  They could do the surgery only if I didn't have an infection and even then, there was only a 50/50 chance of it working.

We were shocked.  Basically it seemed that there was just a fragment of hope that Judah would survive and, after the doctors left, we fell apart.  We knew that we wanted to fight for Judah and so in our mind, the only option was to do the surgery.  They decided to monitor me overnight to make sure I didn't have any infections that showed up, because if I did, they wouldn't be able to do the surgery as it would put both my life and Judah's life in danger.  

It was a really hard night as we wondered if the surgery was even a possibility.  In the morning they ran tests, but there were unconclusive results as to if there was an infection.  We held our breath as we waited for over an hour to hear what the final results were.  If I had an infection, we would have to induce labor and would lose Judah. We knew God could work in this situation and allow us the opportunity to at least try the surgery.  Finally, the doctors came in and said the surgery was on!  We were so excited to know there was at least had a chance to save Judah's life!

I was awake during the surgery since they just numbed the lower half of my body. The entire time I was praying that God would keep me as calm as possible.  The song that came to my mind was one by Ginny Owens called If You Want Me To.  Here are the words that kept going around in my mind:

The pathway is broken
The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to 

I was comforted knowing that God was allowing all of this to happen for a reason and if that's what He was bringing into our lives... all we could do would be to submit to His plan knowing He is so loving and good. The surgery went amazingly well as they were able to sew things up and create a strong stitch to hold Judah.  We were so excited to hear the news!

Over the next week of being in the hospital, we were so encouraged by all of the messages, texts, phone calls and visits.  It was also great to have my parents come in for a few days!  There's nothing like having family around during times like this.  We knew that so many people were in prayer for Judah and we knew that God could do far more than we could ever ask or even imagine (Ephesians 3:20)!  The nurses and doctors were amazing during our stay and, with St. Luke's on the plaza being one of the best high risk pregnancy hospitals in the area, we knew we were in the best hands. 

I was told that once home, I would be on 5 months of bedrest, which seemed like a small price to pay in order to have our baby arrive safe and sound.  I was sent home Monday, December 19th and felt great.. until the middle of the night.  I began cramping again and so Gabe and I rushed back to the hospital at about 4 in the morning.  They again gave me the Motrin which stopped the cramping and said that everything with the cerclage still looked good.  They gave me even stricter guidelines for my bedrest which meant laying flat on either side and I could only get up to go to the bathroom.  They also gave me the high dosage of Motrin to take at home.  The only problem with that was that the Motrin has a side effect of decreasing the amniotic fluid, so it couldn't be used long term or it would greatly affect the baby.

So, I was home for a few days on bedrest and only taking the Motrin when it was absolutely necessary.  It seemed that the cramping was minor and I even had an entire day without any issues.  We were just preparing ourselves for a long journey of Gabe pretty much taking care of everything around the house and me.  It was going to be a long road, but we just wanted to keep Judah in the womb as long as possible!  

And I have to stop here and brag on my husband.  Gabe was incredible throughout this entire process.  He was constantly by my side in the hospital making sure I was comfortable and had everything I needed.  He slept on a recliner that whole week in the hospital and when we went home, he continued to amaze me with his servant's heart.  Each morning, he would make me breakfast and would pack a lunch that I could keep in a cooler beside the bed so I wouldn't have to get up to get it while he was gone at work. He did dishes, laundry, grocery shopping and never complained.  (Our church family was great as well as they showed tangibly how much they cared by providing meals so Gabe wouldn't have to cook.)  It was hard for me to feel so completely helpless, but I was so thankful for the love and care I felt.

In the middle of the night, on Friday the 23rd, I started cramping again consistently and after taking the Motrin and giving it some time to start kick in, I realized it wasn't working.  We went to the hospital again around 2am and after the medicine they gave me finally started working, the cramps were gone.  We waited until the doctor got in that morning and then did an ultrasound to see what was going on.  We saw that Judah was doing great.. he had a great heartbeat and was moving around.  The only problem is that there was hardly any amniotic fluid and we knew that wasn't good.  The nurse said she was going to talk to the doctor who would be in to discuss the ultrasound.  Here's the picture from that ultrasound.

While we waited we found out that the rest of my time on bedrest would have to be in the hospital so they could keep a close eye on me and Judah.  I felt good knowing that we wouldn't have to keep running back and forth to the hospital every time something happened, but I also knew it meant I was even more high risk than I thought.

Around 3pm I started having cramping again and by 3:15, I was in labor.  It was the hardest thing hearing the nurse say I was in labor and she was going to call the doctor in.  I knew that there was nothing we could do to stop Judah from coming and my only prayer is that there would be a miracle once he was delivered. It was a physically and emotionally painful delivery knowing that it was too early and that, what should be a happy time of getting to meet your baby, could result in such a great loss.

Judah was born around 3:45 and when I saw the back of his head I asked the doctor if they could save him.  They said they were sorry and that he was already gone.  That was the most devastating moment Gabe and I had been through.  We just wept with each other and couldn't believe our precious baby was gone. 

The nurse wrapped up Judah in a blanket and gave him to us to hold.  It was so amazing to see how perfectly made he was even at 20 weeks!  We noticed that he had Gabe's chin and my nose!  We just couldn't stop crying over him and saying how precious he was... our emotions were all over the place from complete awe of this creation to grieving over his death.  We were told that Judah could stay with us as long as we wanted and, although I would be physically okay to leave the hospital the next day, we could stay an additional day if we needed that time with Judah.

We just held him and grieved all Friday evening and he was with us in the room all friday night.  Their grief specialist came in and took pictures of him and did his handprints and footprints.  We have a box that they gave us that we could put everything in to remember him by.  It's so special to have those things to hold onto!  Judah was 11 1/4 inches long and 12 ounces.  

We hadn't even thought through what was next, but we had to decide on what to do with his body.  We called a funeral home that the pastor of Family Care from our church recommended and decided they would pick Judah up the next day at the hospital.  Although I didn't like the thought at first, we decided to cremate him so we could always have him with us and just keep the ashes in our keepsake box.

That Saturday morning, Christmas Eve, was so hard.  It was one of the most difficult things to say our final goodbyes and to leave him in the hospital room wrapped up in his blanket.  Gabe and I spent Christmas eve and Christmas day together just taking time on our own to grieve this incredible loss of our first baby.

It's been difficult the past few weeks, but God has given us great peace throughout the entire process. We are continuing to heal and can't say thank you enough to those who've been praying for us.  It's been amazing to see the body of Christ at work where friends and family, and even people we don't know from all over the country, have come around us to support us during this time.  

We love you all and, in our grief, are hopeful to see what God has in store for the future....

Love, 

The Coyles