Gabe kissed us goodbye after dinner and left to teach a class tonight for church.... then this happened.
With the sink still full of dishes, I decided to try to get Ava to eat the rest of her dinner she didn't finish. I began to make funny faces to try to distract her from the arduous task at hand... She giggled. It was one of the cutest laughs and I did it again. She giggled again and then made almost the exact same face I had made.
I laughed.
The more I laughed, the more she laughed. I made the face again and she copied it while giggling. I couldn't stop laughing and I thought "so this is one of the joys of being a mom."
After she didn't finish her dinner, we read some books then I gave her some space to play on her own while I did the dishes. Little did I know that as she army crawled her way around the floor, she was working out one of her biggest attacks yet...
I picked her up to get her ready for bed and I realized she had pooped (a word I say more often than I'd like to admit). And it wasn't just a poop that filled her diaper, it also filled her pants and went halfway up her onesie.
I held her at arms length, held my breath and immediately took her to her room. I quickly realized that this mess wasn't going to be contained on the changing table and that yet another bath was needed. I wrapped her in a blanket, got out her tub, threw it in the kitchen sink and tried taking off the poop filled clothes without getting it everywhere.
The more careful I tried to be, the more she wiggled. I finally got her free from her clothes, but since she had been wiggling, the poop was everywhere.
On her. On me.
I was gagging. The dog was gagging.
And I thought, "so this is one of the joys of being a mom."
As I hosed her down and put her in the tub to get clean, I couldn't help but think that this was exactly what I signed up for.
I love it.
The giggles... the poop... everything.
After great loss, a seemingly endless wait and tons of prayer... we have Ava. This precious gift that I wouldn't trade for the world.
I put on her jammies and "night night" lotion (that sweet smell of baby covered in relaxing lavender), snuggled her, fed her a bottle and kissed her goodnight.
And as I cleaned up another mess for what seemed like the fiftieth time today, I thought of how tonights' poop filled episode reminded me of salvation.
(No, I didn't think that's where it was going to lead either.)
But, as our Heavenly Father, this is exactly what God does for us.
He loves us in our good moments and loves us in our bad moments. He loves us completely.
He doesn't turn His back when we're covered in our own mess... He loves us then just as much when we're "cute and giggling."
He picks us up, and cleans us off.
And oftentimes we don't even realize how bad it is. But He is willing to get His hands dirty... to reach into our lives... to meet us right where we're at and to love us completely. In our sin, in what seems to be too strong for us to face on our own... He picks us up and gives us a clean slate.
"He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
He drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
He rescued me because He delighted in me."
(Psalm 18: 16-17, 19)
He delights in us!
The way I love and take great delight in Ava... He feels that way about me... about you. I'm overwhelmed by this love and how He is more than ready, willing and able to save (rescue, clean up) anyone who asks Him to.
He loves us all that much.
We don't have to get cleaned up to come to Him... He takes us and loves us as we are... poop and all.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Our Incredible Gifts- A Day to Remember
Today I've held Ava a little tighter and let her cuddle a little longer.
This morning I told her about her brother in heaven and how today would've been his 2nd birthday. I told her how special he was and how we'll see him again someday. And I know she didn't understand any of what I was telling her, but as she looked up at me with a huge grin and wide eyes, I couldn't help but feel she was excited to hear about Judah. I choked back tears and pulled her closer and thanked God again for the wonderful gift He's given us in her. She truly is a treasure.
I debated on whether or not to write today because I'm sure some may think "it's been so long now, it's time to move on." But the truth is, while you're not dwelling on the loss every day or living in sadness, that loss is still so real and the pain is just a memory away.
I still wonder what he would've been like and can only imagine that he would've had an energetic spirit that reflected his dad's and would probably be talking non stop by now.
The five months I carried him and the fleeting moments I got to hold him in my arms created a bond that will have me carrying him in my heart forever. You just never let go of that love.
As I think about Judah today, I am reminded again of how much of a miracle children truly are. We understand the pain of loss, the trials of not being able to get pregnant for over a year and the overwhelming joy of having our daughter and watching her grow.
Ava is now four months old and there really isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about the reality of what could happen. I don't live in that fear, but it's always a thought every morning and one that I'm sure won't go away. It makes me so thankful every day that we have her as a part of our lives. She brings us so much joy!
So today I celebrated Judah with Ava and praised God for Ava's life. Both of our babies are incredible gifts.
This morning I told her about her brother in heaven and how today would've been his 2nd birthday. I told her how special he was and how we'll see him again someday. And I know she didn't understand any of what I was telling her, but as she looked up at me with a huge grin and wide eyes, I couldn't help but feel she was excited to hear about Judah. I choked back tears and pulled her closer and thanked God again for the wonderful gift He's given us in her. She truly is a treasure.
I debated on whether or not to write today because I'm sure some may think "it's been so long now, it's time to move on." But the truth is, while you're not dwelling on the loss every day or living in sadness, that loss is still so real and the pain is just a memory away.
I still wonder what he would've been like and can only imagine that he would've had an energetic spirit that reflected his dad's and would probably be talking non stop by now.
The five months I carried him and the fleeting moments I got to hold him in my arms created a bond that will have me carrying him in my heart forever. You just never let go of that love.
As I think about Judah today, I am reminded again of how much of a miracle children truly are. We understand the pain of loss, the trials of not being able to get pregnant for over a year and the overwhelming joy of having our daughter and watching her grow.
Ava is now four months old and there really isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about the reality of what could happen. I don't live in that fear, but it's always a thought every morning and one that I'm sure won't go away. It makes me so thankful every day that we have her as a part of our lives. She brings us so much joy!
So today I celebrated Judah with Ava and praised God for Ava's life. Both of our babies are incredible gifts.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Our New Year's Eve Surprise!
Gabe and I got up early on Tuesday to head to my appointment for the ECV (External Cephalic Version) where the doctor will manually try to turn a breech baby. We knew, from my 36 week appointment, that there was a chance they wouldn't even be able to attempt the version because my amniotic fluid was lower than normal. The normal range is between 5 and 25, and I was below a 5. My doctor said we could go ahead and schedule one to see if over the next few days my fluids would increase, but that we should be prepared to be sent home if the ultrasound showed still low levels. She also said that if my levels were at a 3 or under, she would probably suggest a c-section soon due to the dangers it could cause.
Everything with the ultrasound showed that our little girl was doing great and completely healthy. The ultrasound technician then told us that the fluid was low and that she was going to talk with the doctor. We waited in the room talking about how crazy it would be if we had to have a c-section soon after. It was funny because the night before Gabe had just finished putting together the glider for the nursery. We stepped back and took a look around and said, "well, everything's ready so she could come at any time!" While we waited, we thought about how perfect the timing was if she really needed to be delivered.
The doctor came in and told us that my fluid levels were under 2, and that he was going to call my OB to get her opinion. After going to the waiting room to hear what the next steps were, he came out and told us my OB wanted us to head up to Labor and Delivery… our baby was going to be born that day!
We were so surprised, but really just so excited at the same time knowing we would soon meet our little one! We could rest in the fact that she was totally healthy and, at 37 weeks, she would be okay if she was born. Our little girl was going to be a New Year's Eve baby and the best way to end 2013!
I was still a little nervous about getting a c-section, but really just anxious to meet the little one we had waited and prayed so long for… she was just a few hours away! We were told that the surgery would start at noon and I was prepped. It was great to have a few hours to ourselves and Gabe and I talked about how these were the last few hours as "just us" and how excited we were… it all seemed so surreal.
The worst part for me about the c-section was the epidural. For whatever reason, it completely freaks me out and is one of the most painful shots. While I was getting it, which seemed like it took forever as the aesthetician was training the person doing it on how to do it, I kept thinking how so soon we would be able to meet our little girl and that made it all worth it.
Once I was numb from the waist down, my cerclage stitch was removed. I saw Gabe enter the room all dressed up in his scrubs and tears flooded my eyes. This wave of emotions hit me as I thought through our loss of Judah, the 14 months of trying to get pregnant, the countless prayers during the pregnancy and the fact that in a few minutes, I would celebrate this new life with the love of my life. It was completely overwhelming.
Gabe and I talked as I felt slight tugging and pressure on my stomach and within about 15 minutes, we were told that she was out and heard her cry for the first time! Gabe was called over to watch her get cleaned up and I kept hearing nurses and Gabe saying how beautiful she was. I couldn't wait to see her!
Gabe finally was able to bring her over to me and we both cried as we held our little girl. Ava Brielle was truly such an incredible gift and an absolute miracle!
We chose her name because we loved the name Ava and its meaning. It means "song" or "life" and we felt she was both to us. Brielle was chosen as her middle name because it means "of God." We want her life to be a reflection of God and also feel that she is a song of God. It reminds me of Zephaniah 3:17, "The Lord Your God is with you. The Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you… [He] will rejoice over you with singing." We feel God is singing over her little life!
Ava was born at 1:30 in the afternoon, weighing in at 6lbs 13oz and measuring 18.5 inches long. Her full head of dark hair is beautiful, and we think she has my nose and Gabe's face shape. We are so in love with her and are soaking in every minute we get to spend with her here in the hospital.
Because of the c-section, we'll be in the hospital the full four days and are planning on leaving tomorrow (Saturday) at some point after my staples are removed. Recovery will be a long journey over the next 6 weeks, where I'll really have to lay low, but I'm looking forward to snuggling up with Ava during these cold months and just enjoying hanging out with my beautiful daughter.
Gabe has already been an amazing dad… I can't say enough great things about the man I married. He's such a natural with Ava as he sings to her, has "the bounce" down to stop her from crying and has been such an encouragement and help to me. Right now he's home cleaning the loft to get everything ready for our arrival… how blessed am I?! He's such a loving servant and I feel privileged to be married to him. I'm so excited to begin this journey of parenting with him and watching together as our little Ava grows!
Okay, well, this quick update has gotten a little longer than expected, but I wanted to fill you in on what's been going on!
We love you all and again, can't thank you enough for your care, support, encouragement and prayers!!! We can't wait to have Ava meet you!
Love,
The Coyles
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