It's hard to think that we could've been holding our precious new baby today... in awe of this new life and the idea of beginning our family. It could've been such a joy filled day with friends and family celebrating with us. Instead it just feels so empty.
It's been a journey the last five months, filled with ups and downs. I felt such closure after the memorial for Judah in January and, with Gabe's new role in the church, life got busy and it helped to keep moving. But this last month especially has seemed to bring about a whole new wave of sadness knowing that we would've been nearing the finish line and anxiously anticipating the arrival of our baby boy.
I can only describe it as a quiet storm. Every time we see a new baby, a little boy, soon to be moms... it's a constant reminder of our loss. But I can't break down every time I'm reminded, and I can't go on talking about it because I have healed... mostly. The dark clouds can quickly move in and a torrential downpour can be on me in an instant, but as quickly as it comes on, it passes. Yet it still leaves a watermark and the loss seems fresh all over again.
I still question Why. It still hurts. And I know I may never get answers in this lifetime... which has really stretched my faith. I can totally understand why people that go through hard times have a hard time trusting that God is in control... if you love me, then why...? It's unsettling to not have an answer. At times I've felt bitter, angry, resentful and hurt. People have said that Jesus is holding Judah and watching over him. And in my humanness I want to cry out that I want to hold Judah, I want to watch over him! I want to watch as he grows and laugh with him... he's my son!
So this is faith. This is what it means to fully trust in an all-knowing, loving God. Even when it hurts... even when I don't have an answer. Even when life just sucks. This is faith.
It seems fitting that as I write it's storming outside. It's dark and the rain just keeps pouring down. Is God still God in this storm? Does God still love me more than anything? Does God understand the loss of a Son? Yes.
At those times when I question God, question my faith... those are the times I am reminded that the only One who can heal, the only One who can bring me hope and the only One who loves me unconditionally is a loving God. I've been so encouraged my this song...
(you'll have to skip ahead to 3:38 since she talks in the beginning... )
I continue to look to God, not for answers, but for strength. I pray that bitterness and resentment would stay at bay. I know it'd be so easy to go there and stay there... but I don't want to live like that and I know God has given us a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11).
He never promised life would be easy or free from pain, but He does promise to be with us and give us the strength to get through. So, I rest in God's promise.
Today we're going out to get a nice box for Judah's ashes. It will be hard, but will be good to spend that time together remembering the moments we did have with Judah in the womb and holding him in the hospital. And, while it will continue to rain today, we know the rain won't last forever.
We love you Judah!
Love,
Mom and Dad
Think of this rain as a cleansing. As you go out to do this thing for Judah, every raindrop marks a step forward you are taking that is fresh and meaningful. This downpour can be experienced as encouragement, as an outpouring of your pain in a way that is healthy. Dare I say, as if a watershed of tears are being cried for you?
ReplyDeleteYou and Gabe are truly wonderful people, and you are already good parents. The next child God brings you will shine that back at you every day. Hold onto that faith of yours Allie, and take comfort from this rain. Your faith in God may be tested from time to time, as it should be if our spiritual strength is to grow, but His faith in you is unwavering. I believe that. ~Love you both~ Robin
Thank you for your encouragement Robin!! We love you!
ReplyDeleteAllie & Gabe,
ReplyDeleteSending you much love and prayer today. May you find some sort of comfort even as you grieve. I'm sure we will experience some of these same feelings on November 6th, which was our baby's due date. The calendar can be unforgiving and full of constant reminders. Know that you are loved and so is Judah.
Charissa
Charissa- I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Thank you for your encouragement and prayers and know that we have you and Lucas in ours as well! We love you guys!
ReplyDelete