It Takes a Village

I was pretty nervous about yesterday's surgery, all the way from scheduling it a month ago, up until yesterday.  It was so awesome though to wake up yesterday morning and see all the comments on the blog and on Facebook and to even get texts and emails with encouragement and prayers about the surgery!  It made me feel like I had an army of prayer warriors going with me into battle and I started to feel at peace.

I arrived two hours beforehand and hung out with Gabe in the waiting room till they called me back for prep.  I felt super stylish putting on my little blue booties and cap and the open back gown.  Gabe then joined me in the prep room and we were able to listen to the baby's strong heartbeat.... which is always just a relief to hear.  Nurses were in and out of the room checking vitals, putting in the IV (which took two attempts, much to the chagrin of the nurse in training), and wrapping me in warm towels (why I don't do this at home I'll never know.. it was wonderful).

It was great seeing Dr. Shari Jackson arrive on the scene and letting me know she was going to be doing my surgery.  She was the awesome doctor who was with me in the hospital with Judah and performed the rescue cerclage despite the complications.  She has such a fun personality and she, along with the nurses and the anesthesiologist, made the entire process really fun.... yep, fun.

I didn't think I would ever say that about being in the hospital or going into surgery, but it's really amazing how much of a difference the doctors and nurses can make!  So, for all of you in the medical field... thank you for what you do and for really taking the time to take care of patients!  We then headed in to the Operating Room and I felt some of the nervousness come back.  I still had to face the dreaded epidural.

Now, I know so many women out there get these during labor, but I feel like there are some differences.  First of all, the pains of contractions far outweighs the feeling of the epidural. Secondly, you're so excited because you know the shot will bring relief and in a short time you'll be welcoming a bundle of joy into the world!  But, if you're feeling fine and then told you're going to have a numbing shot (which stings like no other) and then the longest needle you've ever seen put into your back- you're going to feel a little tense.  Long story short; I was glad when it was over and I started to feel the numbing take effect.

The operating room was full of women and it was a really great upbeat environment as we talked about styles of music (I got to pick what we listened to which was "anything but country"), then whether or not to find out what you're having during pregnancy, the show Scrubs and other random topics.  In about ten minutes the surgery was done and Dr. Jackson said, despite some scarring from the last cerclage, everything looked good!

I was wheeled into recovery around 12:40 and told it would take 2-3 hours for the spinal block to wear off and then I would be on my way!  Well, the anesthesiologist did her job very well and, while I was expecting to be heading out the door around 3 or so... I ended up being there a little longer.  Apparently, there's a checklist of a few tasks you need to do in order to be able to leave.  Things like wiggle your toes, move your legs and a few other things.  And it's hard when your only responsibility in making these things happen is laying there and letting the anesthesia wear off.  Needless to say we didn't leave until almost 7 last night and there were cheers all around when I passed the final test.  We did, however, get cake and brownies from a going away party the unit was having for one of the nurses... so I guess waiting over 6 hours had its perks.  :)

Last night and today have been just taking time to rest and Gabe has been great about taking care of everything else (while Lola and I lay on the couch and watch chic flicks).

(I told myself I would just write a quick update, but here I am again, writing a novel... sorry! I guess if you've made it this far, you don't mind finishing it out.) :)

I can't say enough though how grateful Gabe and I are for your encouragement, prayers and support!  As our family and friends, you are so beautifully carrying out Galations 6:2 which says "Carry each other's burdens and in this, you fulfill the law of Christ."

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I think it sometimes takes a village to help bring one safely into the world.

We are so thankful for the village God has placed us in.

We love you!

Love,
The Coyles

A New Baby, A New Journey

It's hard to put into words all the feelings and emotions in our lives right now...  We are beyond thrilled that we are pregnant again and expecting our new little one in January!  For those that missed it, here's our little announcement that we made since Gabe and I both love coffee:

It was a long journey through over a year of navigating our loss and then trying to get pregnant.  The countless doctors appointments, wrestling with being labeled infertile, thinking through next steps and even doubts of what God was doing.  (I'll get into all that in another post as I know so many others who have also struggled through that process.)

But here we are again!  In hindsight I see God's timing was perfect and we feel so blessed to be on this road with a little bump in tow!

I thought I would start writing about our journey this time around because I'm going in for surgery tomorrow.  Up until now, it's been the excitement of finding out, telling family and friends and positive doctors appointments.  Thankfully, the queasiness of the first trimester is leaving, but the surgery tomorrow is a great reminder of having a high risk pregnancy.

We've both felt the struggle up to this point of being excited, while still understanding that we have to hold loosely and trust that, ultimately, God is once again in control of this situation.  But now begins the reality of taking as many steps as possible to prevent what happened last time.  

The cerclage surgery is an out patient surgery that basically sews up the cervix.  Because it's preventative this time (as opposed to last time with it being more of a rescue cerclage), there's a really good chance for success as it's been proven to work for others dealing with an incompetent cervix.  And it's crazy because I'm not nervous about the surgery itself, but more about the epidural I have to get  to do the block of anesthesiology.  Last time it was a little rough, so once that's done, I'll feel much better!

I know it will all be worth it to have a healthy baby and so, we keep saying, no matter what the journey; our prayer is to have a healthy baby in the end!   

Right now I feel like I'm stock piling food since I can't eat or drink anything past midnight tonight.  I'm armed with pepperoni and wheat thins and trying to drink as much water as possible.  The surgery is at 11:45am, and the surgery itself can take anywhere from 5 minutes to a half an hour.  Then I'll be in recovery until I have feeling back in my legs and can walk around.  Gabe is being so supportive in reminding me he'll be there the entire time and will be at my beck and call over the next few days.  What a man...  :)

It's been so encouraging to have friends and family already surrounding us on this journey... and we're only 14 weeks in!  A friend is bringing over dinner tomorrow night and we are so appreciative of all the outpouring of love and prayers!  

We are hopeful and will continue to update along the way.  We are simply resting in knowing that God already knows the outcome.

Thank you for walking with us and for your prayers for tomorrow!

Love, 

The Coyles 

December 23rd- It's Been One Year....

It's hard to believe it's been a whole year since we lost Judah.  December 23rd will always be engraved on our hearts and minds as a really difficult day.

It seems like only a few months ago that we were in the hospital and praying for a miracle for Judah to go full term and arrive as a healthy baby boy, but it's been an entire year.  As we got closer to this date, it's something I really couldn't wrap my mind around.  But here we are, one year later and still finding it a very sad and painful memory.

I didn't even know if I was going to write today because I feel as though there's nothing more to add to what I've already written.  The post on Judah's due date, May 6, still pretty much sums up where we are.  Still wondering why, but still resting that only God knows and God works things out for our good and His glory.

Judah would've been almost 8 months old by now and sometimes I think through things we would be doing together now as a family, his personality and what he would've looked like...

And I'm reminded again that life usually won't go the way we imagine and there are so many things that are out of our control.  But this is where faith steps in... trusting in a God who loves us unconditionally and knows our grief.  "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." (Hebrews 6:19)

As we are just a few days away from Christmas, I can't help but think about the reason for our hope and faith.  God sent his only Son Jesus to be born into the world, to live a perfect life and to die a painful death by taking all of our wrongs, guilt and shame on himself so that we can be free and live in hope.  We accept this way of redemption by faith alone.  We trust God's ultimate plan of salvation knowing that He loves us and wants the best for us.

It takes faith, and it starts with us accepting that Christmas is about God's gift of hope and a peace-filled life that he offers to us through Jesus.  It won't necessarily be an easy life, as we've personally experienced with losing Judah, but it will be the most fulfilling life trusting in God's goodness, love and the hope he gives.

It's really amazing how quickly a year can go by... and before we know it, our lives will be passing just as quickly.  And even though I wasn't sure what to write today, I guess I would wrap it up by saying this:

Life is precious, life is short.  Don't waste time by living life in fear, trapped in never ending battles and without hope.  This Christmas, think about God's gift of love: Jesus.

Thank you all for your continued support.  We hope you all have a Merry Christmas.

Love,
The Coyles

2 Years Ago Today...

Two years ago today we said "I Do" and we are more in love now that on that memorable day.  It has been a huge blessing to be married to each other as best friends...  After five years of dating on and off, through figuring ourselves and each other out, we've grown together and have leaned on each other for the past two years of marriage through our ups and downs.

In honor of our anniversary, here are some pictures from our wedding day... the day we began the rest of our lives together!

It's fun to look back and remember, but we're also looking forward to what this next year holds for us and to grow more in love!  Thanks to all of you who've been an encouragement and support for our marriage these past two years!

Love,

The Coyles

Movin on Up...

... up north, that is!  Yes, we're moving again.  At least this move is just a five minute drive from where we are now.  I'm hoping that this moving once a year thing won't become a trend, and in light of where we're moving and why; I think we'll be able to settle in for a little while.

When we moved to Kansas City a year ago, we thought we'd just be here two years and chose a place in Midtown/Old Hyde Park so that we were close to the heart of downtown while still not paying a ton in rent and could be close enough to the highway so Gabe could drive out to Leawood everyday.  Now that Gabe is the campus pastor for our downtown campus at Christ Community, we've felt the need to move in to the heart of downtown closer to where the church campus would be.

We started looking in the Crossroads District of KC, which is where we're looking at permanent locations for the campus, but quickly realized this meant our rent would double.  We began to pray about our options...  A few weeks later, a couple from Christ Community approached us about an opportunity.  They had been wanting to buy a condo in the Crossroads for some time as a place to move after retirement.  Since the market has been so great for buyers, they knew that buying now would be a smart decision.  They asked us if we would want to rent from them if they bought a condo in the Crossroads, and this gracious couple offered it at about what we're paying now!

We were beyond excited!  This was such a huge answer to prayer and gave us the opportunity to live in this community where we could get to know neighbors, local business owners... and give them the option of having a church right in their community!

Since before we got married, almost 2 years ago, this has been a passion in both of our hearts.  We saw ourselves in an urban environment, serving at a church, and getting involved in the community through relationships, volunteering and offering a place for people to interact with the gospel.  We feel so content that we're right where we should be!

I was thinking the other day about the journey God has brought us on this past year... it's been a non stop roller coaster.  Here's a quick overview:

- Gabe graduated from seminary
- We moved from Chicago to Kansas City
- We dropped off our stuff and flew to Italy for a once in a lifetime trip with Gabe's parents
- Gabe started the Fellowship program at Christ Community
- I started working from home as a freelance writer and pursuing my photography
- We got pregnant
- We had endless events and dinners throughout the summer and fall as part of the fellowship program
- We traveled home for Thanksgiving
- Found out we were having a boy
- Were in and out of the hospital for two weeks
- Lost our precious Judah on December 23
- Grieved through Christmas and New Years
- Had a Memorial for Judah
- Gabe accepted the position as downtown campus pastor
- We attended two training retreats for church planters
- Began focusing on serving full time at the downtown campus
- Gabe took over heading up the search for our campus space
- We found out we would be moving to the Crossroads
- We had our first Sunday at the Screenland Theaters in the Crossroads for the summer
- Gabe is continuing to work with the building team to secure a permanent location in the Crossroads
- We are starting to pack up
- Gabe is performing his first wedding this weekend
- I'll be shooting a different wedding the same day
- We'll have our 2 year anniversary on June 4
- We'll move into the Crossroads!

Whew!  It's been a full year!  All that to say, looking back it's been so neat to see how God has been orchestrating our lives.  We wouldn't have chosen some of the things we went through this past year, but we continually trust in God's ultimate plan.

The next month is going to be busy, but we're keeping the finish line of being settled in our new home at the forefront of our mind.  We are so excited for this next step in our lives... not so excited about packing.  :)

Thanks, as always, for your prayers and support in our lives!  We know that without our friends and family we never would've gotten through this past year!

Love,
The Coyles

May 6- Remembering Judah

I knew this would be a hard day... in fact, I'm not even sure what to write.  Today was Judah's due date, a day that we would've been looking forward to for a long time.

It's hard to think that we could've been holding our precious new baby today... in awe of this new life and the idea of beginning our family.  It could've been such a joy filled day with friends and family celebrating with us.  Instead it just feels so empty.

It's been a journey the last five months, filled with ups and downs.  I felt such closure after the memorial for Judah in January and, with Gabe's new role in the church, life got busy and it helped to keep moving.  But this last month especially has seemed to bring about a whole new wave of sadness knowing that we would've been nearing the finish line and anxiously anticipating the arrival of our baby boy.

I can only describe it as a quiet storm.  Every time we see a new baby, a little boy, soon to be moms... it's a constant reminder of our loss.  But I can't break down every time I'm reminded, and I can't go on talking about it because I have healed... mostly.  The dark clouds can quickly move in and a torrential downpour can be on me in an instant, but as quickly as it comes on, it passes.  Yet it still leaves a watermark and the loss seems fresh all over again.

I still question Why.  It still hurts.  And I know I may never get answers in this lifetime... which has really stretched my faith.  I can totally understand why people that go through hard times have a hard time trusting that God is in control... if you love me, then why...?   It's unsettling to not have an answer.  At times I've felt bitter, angry, resentful and hurt.  People have said that Jesus is holding Judah and watching over him.  And in my humanness I want to cry out that I want to hold Judah, I want to watch over him!  I want to watch as he grows and laugh with him... he's my son!

So this is faith.  This is what it means to fully trust in an all-knowing, loving God.  Even when it hurts... even when I don't have an answer.  Even when life just sucks.  This is faith.

It seems fitting that as I write it's storming outside.  It's dark and the rain just keeps pouring down.  Is God still God in this storm?  Does God still love me more than anything?  Does God understand the loss of a Son?  Yes.


At those times when I question God, question my faith... those are the times I am reminded that the only One who can heal, the only One who can bring me hope and the only One who loves me unconditionally is a loving God.  I've been so encouraged my this song...

(you'll have to skip ahead to 3:38 since she talks in the beginning... )




I continue to look to God, not for answers, but for strength.  I pray that bitterness and resentment would stay at bay.  I know it'd be so easy to go there and stay there... but I don't want to live like that and I know God has given us a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

He never promised life would be easy or free from pain, but He does promise to be with us and give us the strength to get through.  So, I rest in God's promise.

Today we're going out to get a nice box for Judah's ashes.  It will be hard, but will be good to spend that time together remembering the moments we did have with Judah in the womb and holding him in the hospital.  And, while it will continue to rain today, we know the rain won't last forever.

We love you Judah!

Love,

Mom and Dad

Exciting Changes

Well, it's been a while since we've posted simply because the last few months have been extremely busy.  There have been some exciting changes that have made our schedule a little more hectic in January and February, but we are so thrilled to see where God is leading us.

As many of you know, Gabe graduated from seminary at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School and was accepted into the Fellowship program at Christ Community Church.  This two year program is an intensive mentorship, hands-on ministry opportunity (much like a doctor's residency) that allows you to determine where you see yourself in full time ministry while gaining practical wisdom and guidance from seasoned pastors.  Christ Community consisted of three campuses: Leawood, Olathe and Downtown.

We moved to Kansas City last May and knew we wanted to help out at the downtown campus, since urban ministry is where we saw ourselves long term.  We knew that by being a part of that community, we'd get a good idea of what urban ministry was like, as well as seeing the ins and outs of starting a new campus.  We even moved to the outskirts of downtown, even though the main campus, where Gabe would spend most of his time, was about a half hour away from our apartment.  We both love the city, and we really fell in love with Kansas City almost immediately.

Since May, we enjoyed getting to know people at Christ Community and began feeling that it was our church home.  We also loved experiencing downtown KC and found it's really a very vibrant city!  Knowing that our time would be up in two years was something we knew would be hard since we felt that everything about being here just clicked.

As you know, the Christmas season was heartbreaking for us with losing Judah, but we felt our family, friends, church family and neighbors come around us in such an amazing way.  We had a memorial for Judah at the beginning of January, which Christ Community beautifully coordinated for us, and it was a great way to bring a sense of closure to everything that happened.  We still are saddened when we think of Judah, and there are days we truly miss him, but God has given us such tremendous peace and hope.

In the middle of January, Gabe came home and told me that Bill, the downtown campus pastor, felt God moving him to be a part of the newest church campus of Christ Community which is located in an area called Brookside.  I was excited for Bill and Rachel in this new opportunity for them, but asked Gabe what would happen with the downtown campus.  He then told me that he had been offered the position of the downtown campus pastor, and I broke into tears.  We were both so excited because we loved being a part of the downtown campus for the past eight months and knew that, ultimately, we felt God calling us to be a part of urban ministry; this seemed to be a perfect fit!

We prayed about this decision over the weekend to be sure we weren't going off our emotions, and that we also had time to think through all that being a part of a church plant entailed.  We knew it would be a lot of work, but we also saw how God had worked in our hearts and mapped our steps to be a part of the downtown campus long before we knew what would happen.

As we started realizing what this meant, we were thrilled to know that we wouldn't be moving after two years and will be in Kansas City indefinitely... as long as God has us here!  It meant we could continue to build relationships with everyone at the downtown campus and really focus in on that community... which we love.  It also meant I wouldn't have to change doctors, which was a huge relief since these doctors know us and my situation, and the hospital specializes in high risk pregnancies.  We continue to see the amazing ways God has planned out even the smallest details in this change in our lives, and we feel so humbled at His love and how He wants to use us here.

In February, we attended a church planting pastors retreat and also a church planters assessment weekend.  These were great tools in helping us understand more about church planting and getting to know our strengths and areas of growth.  We know we have a lot to learn, but we are excited to see what God has in store for the downtown campus!

Currently, we're in search for a building for the campus since we've been meeting in an apartment building community room.  There are some really awesome options available in downtown's Crossroads District, which is also considered the art district.  We're excited to see how God works in the space's location and how we can have a positive impact in that community.

Well, this is a long post but we just wanted to let you know what's been going on and about Gabe's new position as downtown campus pastor.  We'd love your continued prayers for our future and ask that you join us in praying for the downtown campus, a space where we can meet, and for downtown KC.

The verse that keeps coming to mind is Psalm 126:3 "The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy!"

Love,
The Coyles

A Lesson in Responding to Comforters while Journeying through Grief

I (Gabe) think I’m still amazed at how our friends and family surrounded us with words of encouragement and tangible actions of compassion throughout this whole grieving process. As I think of Christ’s call to his disciples to “weep with those who weep,” there have been many who have entered into our brokenness with us. “Thank you” seems like a shallow phrase to describe the genuine gratitude that we have towards our loved ones as you sought to be agents of God’s comfort.

There was one thing that surprised me about my role within the grieving process though, which led to a lesson I’m learning about following Christ in the midst of grief. Those who are grieving have a unique stewardship of gracious response toward those who long to bring comfort. That may sound strange…it even hits me after typing it as being almost ungrateful for the compassion of others – which is far from my intention, but when emotions are rolling in the freshness of pain, we need to remember that we are called to respond with grace to all who reach out in imperfect compassion.

I recall taking classes on counseling in Seminary on how to enter into the pain of others with genuine compassion, empathic presence and timely scriptures of hope, but I never really thought of the unique stewardship the griever has towards those who comfort him/her. This griever/comforter relationship must be understood as dynamic rather than one-way; we can’t expect everyone to be an “expert” comforter.

At moments of intense grief, there are times silence and solitude are what your soul longs for, and you just want to be left alone. Whereas at other times you long to feel the embrace of community. There are times a word of remembrance concerning God’s goodness speaks words of life to your soul, whereas at other times it just comes across as preachy. There are times when you need to hear that God has a plan of deliverance for his broken creation, but other times all you want to hear are the words “I love you and I don’t understand the pain you’re going through.” There are times when others share their similar stories, and it comforts your heart. Whereas other times you just want people to notice the uniqueness of your story, and in our selfishness don’t want to talk about others’ experiences.

The difficult thing – in the midst of grief – is not to expect those who long to comfort us to be omniscient…to be God – as though they could know the exact thing we long to hear in that moment. Brokenness is often accompanied with its crew of emotional chaos, confusion, and mystery, and we can’t expect others’ words of comfort to always line up with our sentiments at that moment.

This is where the stewardship of gracious response really resonates. As we seek to follow Christ in the midst of grief, we pray for the Holy Spirit to empower us to see the heart of those who long to comfort us, although – in our sinful brokenness as imperfect grievers – we perceive it as shallow, cheap, or cliché. We allow Christ to be the mediator by which all words of comfort pass through. We see, hear, and accept imperfect compassion through the perfect shed blood of Jesus. 

I love what C.S. Lewis says as the closing words of his book The Problem of Pain, “Pain provides an opportunity for heroism; the opportunity is seized with surprising frequency.” There have been many who follow Christ that have exuded this stouthearted grace while grieving, and to them I watch in awe. For those of us who continue to experience loss, wade in brokenness and have seasons of chaos, may we follow Christ in how we respond in grace toward those who seek to imperfectly comfort us, showing the world how to grieve as gospel-shaped people.

Baby Judah

We got pictures in the mail the other day that the grief specialist took at the hospital of Judah, which I was looking forward to seeing, but at the same time, it was hard to look through them.  The waves of grief washed over us again, and some of the pictures were just really hard to look at.

At the same time it was amazing to be reminded again of how perfectly formed he was.  His little toes and toenails, his fingers, his little shoulders and even his eyebrows that were beginning to grow in... at 21 weeks, he was perfect!  Of course the pictures don't really capture him like I remember, but those memories of how it felt to hold him, touch his fingers, hold his little hand and the feeling of kissing his forehead will be forever imprinted in my mind.

Judah was 12 ounces and 11 1/4 inches long, so I think he would've been tall!  As I've mentioned before, we saw that he had Gabe's chin and face shape and my nose.... he would've been just as handsome as his daddy.  The tears flow even now just knowing we'll never get to see what he would've looked like as he was growing up...

It's good to have these pictures though and just the hope of seeing him in heaven someday.

They gave Judah a few little things to hold in the pictures, which I could've done without, but I think they were trying to help us make a connection with those items they put in his box that we brought home... it's amazing to see his little hands and fingers though!

 We love his little feet!

It is hard to see him like this, but I can't help but think his little face and arms are so adorable...

Again, another prop they gave him... the bear was so small, which just shows how tiny Judah was!

 We love our little Judah!

Love,

The Coyles